Impatience, infertility, and nausea..... babies babies babies

So me and John have been trying to get pregnant for about 4 months without any success. And every time my period is almost here or a few days late I take a pregnancy test. My stomach gets in knots and my hands start to shake. And every time I get the same response in various different ways. There's the sad face, the single line, the ''no" and the "not pregnant." All of which leave me crying and in a world of unwarranted grief of what I never had.  And to make matters worse I am nauseated. I have been told to wait it out and just see if the test is wrong. But this happens every time I test. I second guess it and end up buying 3 more different tests just to be told I'm infertile. Ok maybe that is a little harsh but when everyone else around me is getting pregnant on their first try or when they aren't trying its a little hard to not have doubts about my fertility. It's not like I am unhappy for them or want to take their happiness away, I just so desperately want to have a baby.

I have been in preparation for being a mom my whole life. I practically raised my siblings and helped raise my cousins. I have always been called the surrogate mom. As much as I know that is a term of endearment, I wish I just wasn't a surrogate and could be an actual mom. John is such a dear and he never bothers me about not getting pregnant. In fact he is the exact opposite. He always asks when my "evaluation" is. His terms for Ovulation. And he wont ask me to test or blame me for not being pregnant. He just waits for me to tell him I tested and it was negative. And then he says it must not be the right time and everything will work out. Oh if only I had that kind of faith. I do have faith but sometimes I want to just be in control of everything and make it happen rather than just waiting for God's time. I know his time is much more efficient since I am always behind and late for everything, but man if only I could be right on this one.

Lately there has been that annoying commercial on the radio that says at the end "for the part of you that's worried about the economy, and the all of you that wants a baby..." Ugh I have to change the station every freaking time. John however listened to it and heard one of the statistics that stated that many couples have to use alternative forms of conception. IVF and surrogacy. According to the American Pregnancy Association, about 10% of couples in child bearing years experience infertility.

And to complicate things more I was diagnosed with endometriosis at age 17. Basically its a horrible disease that is never cured but treated with hormones found in birth control. I did have surgery to diagnose the disease in which they cauterized all the endometrial tissue. This left me with a bunch of scar tissue but I have no idea where and the problem is that they would have to open me up again to figure it out which causes more scar tissue. Some women with endometriosis have had children without any complications. Others are infertile and others have hysterectomies. At 17 I was devastated with all the possibilities and now I am even more so since I am actually able and wanting to have children.

We discussed adoption as one alternative and IVF. We wont know for sure about anything until I go see my MD next month to check to see what my chances are at a "normal" conception. I keep praying and leaning on my husband because he knows me best and he is also in this with me 100%. How many women can say that about their spouse or partner? What does give me hope and peace is knowing that I was made to be a mom. I have heard that in many blessings and even in my patriarchal blessing. So I am going to do my part and John will certainly be doing his and we know the Lord is looking out for us and our children. Where ever they may be and whenever we get to meet them.