Taking Time for me.

As my aunt Summer pointed out to me last night, my epiphany will keep happening again and again in my life and I should just get used to it. My ah ha moment happened when I began to plan to go to the gym. Everything and everyone started to get in the way of that plan and it kept seeming like I wouldn't get there at all. John and I had planned to go to volleyball that started at 9. At 8pm after doing errands together I was almost ready to just say I would wait with him to go to volleyball and skip the gym. But then this little rebel in my put her foot down and said, "wait a second. NO. You will not put yourself on the back burner. Going to the gym will make you happy. You deserve to think about yourself. Now make yourself a priority." That hit home and I had a new surge of motivation. So I got ready and made it to the gym at 8:30pm. That left little time for me to do anything but I didn't care. I put myself as a priority and went to the gym. It didn't matter that I would only get to do a mile on the treadmill. I didn't care about the length. The point was that I was taking care of myself. And you know what? It felt great.

I am one of those people who tend to lose themselves in helping others. I forget about what I need or want because I am so worried about taking care of those around me. In fact I get so busy I forget to do the simple things like eat something for lunch. It's no ones fault but my own. No one is making me put myself on the back burner. No one is forcing my hand to help them. I do it because I know that people are important and you should help where and when you can. The thing is, that I am also important and I forget that in order to help someone else you have to be helping yourself along the way too. I was beginning to feel completely lost and burnt out.

Another epiphany I had was a few weeks ago when I realized why I was keeping the weight on and why I had gained more weight than I had ever thought possible. When me and John made the decision to elope it was the best thing for us. We honestly were madly in love and we had the option of waiting a year and being married in the temple, or get married right away and start our lives together and then be sealed in a year. I believe the choice was obvious. However not everyone has the same opinion and in fact I lost friends over my decision. I was criticized out loud by friends and family. Everyone assumed I must have been pregnant and was trying to hide the shame of it. Well sorry to say to them that six months later I may look pregnant but there is no baby in there my so called friends. So I began to eat as a comfort against what people were saying and the pointing of the fingers. I unconsiously was choosing to gain the weight so people who would point their fingers at me would do so not because of my marriage, but because I was fat. That may seem totally illogical but it was what I was doing. Being fat is an obvious problem. My marriage was under attack and I was trying to protect it from people. I was trying to protect my dear sweet husband. We had done nothing but love eachother and made a grown up decision that affected our lives. And no one wanted to respect that.

But I realized that despite my efforts to shield our marriage and John from criticism and judgments, those still come and even now people like to bring it up. Which by they way is old hat and people should get their own life. So my efforts were not working. So instead I am going to take care of me since people will always judge and have something to say and I can't change that. I can however take care of myself and love my husband and live happily ever after. It still hurts when people judge but I have to just disregard their sideways glances and know that I am in a happy marriage and to an amazing man who loves me no matter what. John always tells  me that I am beautiful and perfect just the way I am. How many women can say that about their husbands. I am so lucky to have John in my life and have him care for me. So I am going to forget about everyone else and focus on him and oh ya... ME!